Lizzie asks…

Should I tell my wife the affair she knows about as just emotional was actually sexual?

We are in a great recovery from the exposure of the emotional affair. My heart is filled with guilt at times but it’s only offset by the hope we have now and the possible devastation it would do to my loving wife and our family I love dearly. It was a horrible mistake on my part that I exposed to my wife and coworkers. Is it worth telling it all at the risk of losing it all? Or since things are really on the right track, should I just forget and move on? By the way, the woman that I had an affair with is still around. I’m torn at times. At peace at times. Lastly, this woman is flirting with other men. I love my wife and family and trying to figure out the best thing.

Emotional Affair Signs answers:

Well if you don’t tell her then it will eat you up inside. You should never keep the truth from the one that you love. It will hurt her more if she finds out from someone else or if you wait to long to tell her.

Good luck
Linda

Ken asks…

How to confront spouse about her emotional affair?

My wife and I have been struggling in our relationship. We began sitting a few times a month with a MFT.

Things got a little better, then a little worse, then a lot worse and we finally attribute the decline to the healing and recovery process. Mostly being uncomfortable while dealing with the stuff we had avoided for years.

In therapy we finally jumped to the issue of our sex life when my wife said in the session that she no longer wanted to have sex anymore. I’m 38, she is 32. She explained that a lack of emotional connection was the cause. I understood, but I got suspicious for some reason as we have always been closely connected. This suspicion was despite my therapist’s reassurance that she was not exhibiting typical signs of an affair.

About a week later I discovered a string of emails to her work account from over a two week period. They are with a peer of hers from Grad school who recently got out of a rocky relationship but has always appeared to be a close and wonderful friend, when he was married. Young, fit, ivy league intellectual, traveler, just like her.

Mostly his emails are courting her. “We have so much in common”, “My mother remembers that you are the ‘pretty one’”, “Come visit me out of the country”, “I’m fine if you tell your husband or don’t.”

Her replies do not resist his advances at all. “Husband and are struggling” “We talk about separation and divorce” (former true, latter not.), “I will tell you more about husband on the phone”, and “What airport would I fly into?”

He lives on the other side of the country part year and out of the country other parts. This week he made a random trip to see his parents and he and my wife are spending the day together. I tried to interfere by inviting myself along which was shot down with “I need private time with my friends too.”

I believe that she has an emotional attachment that is at risk of progressing into a sexual one. I came home and found a passport application on the kitchen table last night and she lied to me saying “Oh, I got that since we were talking about traveling. We never talked about it, so it was a blatant lie.

How do I approach this? In a session? Face to face? I’m not eating or sleeping so I think that whatever happens needs to happen quickly. Personally, I was thinking about asking her to leave our home.

Emotional Affair Signs answers:

She’s the one that put herself in the position to be questioned. I would confront her face to face and I would do it NOW! It’s beginning to effect your health. Don’t wait until it really gets you down. She deserves whatever she is facing with you.

Lisa asks…

I ended my emotional affair today… (have you been through this?)?

I have been married for 13 years. 8 months ago I found my HS sweetie on the classmates website. We’ve talked off and on … on the phone. Right away that incredible love feeling came back and I realized that I never felt that for my husband. There are a lot of reasons, I’m sure I shut people out due to the fact I was raised in an alcoholic family and was verbally abused. I think when I lost my 1st love, I lost faith in people, was never able to trust again. I have learned so much from this experience. And I know I have hurt my husband too. My children, 12 & 8 are not aware of what has been going on, although every time my phone rang lately, my husband would ask if it was my “boyfriend calling” in front of them.

My husband and I married with a lot of emotional baggage, though mine was more severe. And all this has started a recovery process. I left a message on my ex’s cell phone… “I’m letting go of you… Good luck with your family. Have a nice life… bye.” He may call me back.

Emotional Affair Signs answers:

Good for you, Emotional affairs can lead to worse.
Get the book Love must be tough by James Dobson, and the Proper care and feeding husbands by Dr. Laur Shlessinger
Make sure that all ties to this other man is over!
Work on your marriage and start seeing the first reason what made you want to love your husband the first place and why you married him.
Ask god to help you to restore your relationship>
Keep your focus, and start being accountable for your actions, and be very sincere with your husband.
I would go into long info for you, but I am running out of time, but the resources I have given you will help, and look on line as well of restoring relatinships.
Check your medical info make sure that there isn’t no culprit hindereding your happness.

Carol asks…

recovering from an affair?

Hello,
My husband and I are in great need of help in our relationship.
A couple of years ago I got emotionally involved with a co-worker. There was no physical relationship, but I felt that I should end my marriage before having sex with him. Back then my job had moved to a different city, adding another 45 min to my commute… When my husband told me I should quit my job, I felt betrayed because I had always been supportive of his work 100%. He’s a musician and never had a 9-5 tyoe of job. His lack of support made me wonder if I should find someone who shared the same routine, maybe I would be better nderstood in that sense. And that’s when I opened the door to be emotionally involved with another person. I told my husband that I thought we should get divorced and he accepted. HE went out and after an hour out he said he wasnt going to lose his wife and he wanted to work things out, but I had to end everything. By the time he got back home, I was already deeply regreting what I had done. The sadness that came when I realized that he wasnt going to be in my life anymore was unberable. I promptly accepted and quit my job. A month later we moved to another state.
Our relationship had always been amazing prior to my betrayal and today when I look back I deeply regret what I’ve done.
Our life became better, but I dont think he ever truly forgave me for that. There was still a lot of resentment when the subject came up.
As our life began to take shape in the new state, I was busy again. And it reflected in our sexual life. I had no doubts I loved him and I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, but I didnt make sex a priority. I thought “we’re married, he’ll be here tomorrow, so it’s ok if I dont want to have sex today or this week”. He said he felt extremely rejected by that and ended up having an affair. His emotional involvement was way deeper than what had happened to me. When I saw I was going to lose my husband, I had no problems in not seeing, speaking, being with that other person. I wanted to start a fresh page and I was going to do whatever it took…. Now he told me from the first day he came back home from a trip that he had met someone and that she had rocked his world…. the affair was open, I knew about it. We remained married, we talked a lot. He always assured me that he was going to end this and we would come out stronger from it. We always got along great, we always talked… we both new that there was peace when we were together before it all happened and that it cold be that way again if we hung tough. The affair lasted 8 months and it was devastating for me as a woman. He wants to save our marriage. He admits it was a big mistake and that he wished we had necver gone through such an experience. He also said he had no questions que loved me and wanted to be with me. But he has no sexual desire for me (he’s completely healthy with no E.D.) He believes that once this affair is left behind. He ended it 2 weeks ago. Although it was a very turbulent relashionship, with a lot of fights, he said that she was someone he really liked and had feeling for. But they were not strong enough to make him leave a 8-year marriage. He says that it hurts very mch having to let her go, but that he would die if I was the one walking away. I am open to give our marriage a chance of succeding again and so is hi. But I really would like some guidance on the sex part and recovery advices. He believes that his desire for me will come back after he gets over her, since our sexual life was always great until I had my affair. Speaking with friends, they dont believe that a relationship can ever recover from such events…

Emotional Affair Signs answers:

WOW! Well I think that you guys can make it. You are doing one thing that I know is helping you and I hope for your sake you don’t stop it….YOUR TALKING
I think that your sex life will also improve just take time to get over what was done and be strong. Do small things for each other like bubble baths and massages. Cook nice dinners and cuddle while watching movies. I wish you both luck and I hope that once you guys get back where you were (no actually better than where you were before I hope you both never put your marriage at risk again) It is so nice to actually see a couple fight for their marriage.

Sandy asks…

Clarify my previous post, it didn’t show in its entirety. Wife had affair…?

1. I was critically ill for a number of months.
2. Wife and I became emotionally detached during my recovery.
3. Wife started acting strangely, I investigated, discovered she was having affair with ex co-worker.
4. I clean the house, wife’s laundry, take care of cars, pay mortgage, take wife out. Wife does not!
5. Grandfather passes away after christmas..
6. Wife doesn’t attend funeral out of state. Said she couldn’t get time off work.
7. Investigation revealed she was with the “guy” on day of funeral. Lied about her whereabouts.
8. Went to counseling for myself first on how to deal with the affair and confronting her.
9. Confronted wife, says she is sorry and will never do it again. She loves me.
10. I want children, wife recently states that she does not. She is getting old, she is 31.
11. Childhood friend of mine who has been there for me states she would never do that to me.
12. Childhood friend and husband are getting a divorce.
13. Childhood friend and I have strong mutual emotional/mental attraction towards each other.
14. Wife and I are attending counseling together.
15. Do I stay with wife in hopes that she will never do it again?
16. Do I just count my losses and just leave her?
17. Do I give childhood friend a chance?
18. Do I just leave and stay single?

Emotional Affair Signs answers:

First of all not judging either your wife or you.

1. Your wife appears to have had a full-blown affair with the other man, and perhaps may still be seeing him; though she says it will never happen again.

2. Whatever drove your wife to the other man probably has something to do with her unhappiness in the marriage, or she may have emotionally left the marriage before having the affair. Its hard to tell without knowing what she has to say for her reasons.

3. It sounds like you’ve had an emotional attachment, if not affair with the childhood friend. Though the childhood friend who is getting a divorce “says” she would marry you/have children with you; that could be wishful thinking on her part. So before you bet the ranch on the childhood friend, you better make sure she’s serious.

4. If you want children and your wife doesn’t, then that’s going to be a sore point in your marriage.

5. Whether you choose to stay with your wife depends on how deeply you are emotionally committed to each other, and committed to making your marriage work, and be better.

6. Leaving and staying single is a far-cry from having children or marriage with someone. It doesn’t sound like this one’s your choice.

Best advice:

Carefully weigh your options. See if you can salvage your marriage, test the waters more thoroughly with the childhood friend and make sure she’s not leading you on.

Make no rash decisions and plan things carefully.

Finally, whatever decision you make, remember that it has to sit very well deep in your heart. Don’t do something you’ll regret later.

Good luck.

Go To Emotional Affair Signs FAQ For Answers To Your Questions About Emotional Affair Signs And Other Answers To Questions About Affairs.

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